19.10.03

Sometimes I get gripped by this feeling. I can't describe it. Its like being sad, joyful, thankful, tired and fully aware at the same time. It happens in those rare moments when something touches you deeply; but it also happens at times for no reason.

I spent the whole day studying, and talking with Chapter. Both good, one obviously more fun than the other; but at the end of the day, I just need to relax. So I played chess with Chapter, then I played some other internet flash games, I read, and as I was heading to bed I decided to put on some music from a few anime's.

Sometimes i listen to music because I am in a certain mood; other times music puts me in a certain mood. Perhaps the best way to describe this mood would be sober solitude. "We couldn't say them, so now we just pray them. Words that we couldn't say. Someday maybe we'll make it right, until that day, long endless nights. Words that we couldn't say." Ha-a-le-lu-yah. The words of a prayer of St. Thomas Moore come to mind "Give me the grace good Lord... To be joyful of tribulations, to walk the narrow way that leadeth to life. To bear teh cross with Christ, to have the last thing in remembrance, To have ever before mine eyes my death that is ever at hand, To make death no stranger to me... To pray for pardon before the judge come. To have continually in mind the passion that Christ suffered for me..." Ha-a-le-lu-u-yah.

Perhaps it is not normal for one my age to be sitting up near midnight, reflecting on my life, on love and on death. Perhaps I am just trying to appear deep, when I know I am shallow. Maybe this will be the last thing I ever write, and likely I will go on to make many more mistakes in my life. Truly you are merciful God, to let one such as I continue on. And you are loving God, to teach someone as slow and stupid as I am, to keep me growing and going when I fight every step of the way. "I don't feel a thing, And i stopped remembering. Days are just like moments turned to hours. Mother used to say 'if you want you'll find a way' but mother never danced through fire showers. Walk in the Rain, just walk in the rain. I walk in the rain. Is it right or is it wrong, is it here that I belong. I don't hear a sound, silent faces in the ground. The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen."



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