8.10.03

The mind works in odd, confusing, and often annoying ways. Yesterday, as you know, I wrote an essay. Though it doesn't take me long timewise, it takes a lot out of me, it requires more focused energy than I accustomed to putting out. So when i am done an essay, i am basically done for a little while. I tried to read last night, but I couldn't (which if you know me will say something about how done I am after an essay). So after wasting some time with comics, strongbad's email, and online games and talking to Chapter online, I decided that since I wasn't should go to bed. I was tired, my brain was shut down, so hey, why not? That of course was when i underwent a system reboot. By the time my head hit the pillow my mind was fully active again. Normally I can get to sleep pretty good, I just set aside whats on my mind and go to sleep; yes, this takes me 15 to 30 min, but hey. After a system reboot though, I guess it doesn't work quite so easily. So I ending up lying in bed awake for about an hour and a half. This happens sometimes, and what I like to do in that situation is phone Chapter.... yeah, couldn't do that. Chapter once told me that when I have spent a lot of time thinking and reading, it all comes out and is kind of overwhelming, and last night I found out what that was like. Half asleep, my thoughts remained undisciplined, undirected, and very numerous. In a way it was good to find out whats on my mind and heart, but sleep was what I was looking for.

So, I am not going to share all I thought about, but one thing that came up quite often was what kind of ministry I am going to go into after seminary. I think I mentiond earlier on, in connection with my t-shirt idea stuff, that i want to be a minister. Or a pastor, or a missionary, etc. But the more I think about it, the more I read from the traditional conservative church, as well as the "emerging" and "postmodern" church, the more sure I am that I could not serve in a traditional conservative protestant setting. Not to say I am to good for that or anything, just that my ideas would not go over well there. This forced me to consider the question, "where can I serve then?" Three options came to mind. There are several churches popping up that are being labeled "alternative" or "emergent" or "postmodern". That would work. Also, I would be able, I think, to serve in a church that was seeking change, willing to enter into a little self-critique, and ready to acknowledge that the forms of church we have practiced in N. America for the last 100 years, or even the more recent ones such as "seeker service" stuff, are not neccessarily the best ways any more. Lastly, I could become a church planter. In the end, I will be going where God sends me, and that is more than just a truism to me. When I say I have been thinking about this, I have also been praying about it, and trying to figure out which the Lord is leading and calling me to. Obviously I won't know for sure, probably ever, but I do my best. I realized though that the option that most appeals to me right now, being a church planter, is also the one I am least prepared for.

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