24.5.05

The Soundtrack of my Life


I love music. It's beautiful. I really do just love music, pretty much all kinds. I used to say I like everything but rap and opera... then I found some rap I liked, and it wasn't too long after that when I began to find myself enjoying the occasional Opera track as well. Now I just like music.

My taste in music doesn't run along the easy lines of genre, artist, or type. Instead it runs with emotional connection. I have watched a lot of shows in my life, and one of the ways you can tell wether or not I like a show, if I really connect with it or feel touched by it, is if I get the music for it. This isn't a perfect method to gauge the effect of any given video input on me, as it also requires that the show has good enough music to listen to without the accompanying video, which isn't as common as you might hope for, but its a good guideline. Its one of the reasons I love anime so much, at least some of them, and I know I enjoy shows more if they have good music.

When I listen to music with the purpose of listening to music, not just cause I can or as background noise, I really get into it. First I think of where it came from, usually I can remember specific scenes and/or lines. It doesn't take long for the emotions to fill my mind, and after that it's only a matter of time before I am daydreaming my own scenario's, all the while the original's play as a guide line in the back of my mind.

My too favorite times to do this are when I am walking, usually listening to music that has to do with the 'harder' emotions: anger, determination, fighting, victory, prevailing over the odds, etc. etc. Or late at night when I can't sleep yet; reflection, loneliness, contentment, solitude, sadness, etc.

Right now I am listening to the music from the first OVA for Ruroni Kenshin, a very sad, and very good, anime.

I don't know why you would care about any of this, but there it is.

22.5.05

Dreams of Sacrifice, Sacrifice of Dreams

I often have trouble with bible verses like "Don't worry about tomorrow" or with the general idea that God will provide for us. Its not that I don't believe these things, I do, but its hard to really put my faith there, to act like it, to trust and to leave my life in that terribly uncertain place that follows. I suppose that in reality it isn't an uncertain place at all. But no matter what is said, by me or others, it is one of the most difficult areas of my life and Christian faith.

There's always something; I need to have a secure future and thus ignore my calling and take the wrong stuff for a semester of university. I know the experience has been turned to good in the end, I praise the Lord for that. But the worries don't go away, or they haven't yet.

I remember worrying so much about financial stuff before my marriage. My wife had trouble finding a job, and I definitely didn't have any money, already being incredibly blessed to graduate without debt. After hours of agonizing and worrying, much prayer, I allowed my future to rest in God's hands, and I ended up in Korea, where, truth be told, God has blessed us more than we could ever deserve or expect.

Now, tonight, I sit here, once again, worrying about my future. Slowly I am getting better at trusting, and leaving things in God's hands, or I like to think so, but it's still not easy. Now I am worrying about how I am going to do all the things I want to do in my life. I want to go through seminary and get two masters, be a pastor, a father of a large (by today's standards) family, I want to write, eventually get a PhD, become a professor, and who knows, I have dreamed of someday founding a seminary somewhere, or being part of a new seminary, maybe in S. America.

But these are not plans for me to make, I know this. I know, I should know, that the Lord has a fulfilling and wonderful life for me; full of wonder and joy and pain and hardship. These things too will have to be left in God's hands, to live or die as he chooses. But now is the crunch of the issue: these are not my finances, as hard as they were to give up, and this is not my security, as much as I hated to see that go. These are my dreams. I guess all the other things were little dreams too, and they have been returned to me much better than I gave them up. As usual, I know all the words, but for them to penetrate to my heart, to my life, I will probably need many nights of agonizing and worry, and much prayer.

And you know what? Other than deepening my faith in God, I think I am learning something else too. Maybe its supposed to be this way. I have often pretended it was easy; or pretended this process was already done. Like I said, I know the words, and don't they just slip so easily out of my lips? Like silken cloth sliding over my decietful tongue, ready to inadequately cover up the realities of my doubt with their sheer and misty seductiveness. Its not supposed to be easy... dealing with it like this makes it real. The hours given provide these dreams with substance, and perhaps through this they are becoming sacrifices half worthy of the glorious Creator of Heaven and Earth. Perhaps... one day soon...

11.5.05

Time for that infamous feature of most blogs, the catchup post.

Life continues to be good over here in S. Korea. I still have no accounts for showing photos or anything, and have been to lazy to really look into anything much. I have been looking into buying an MP3 player and have narrowed my choices down to two IRiver's, the H10 and H320 models. The idea would be to record university lectures as well as listen to music, but we will see how it all works out.

I have been trying to make better use of my free time of late, not playing so many computer games and watching so much anime, and it has been very good for me.

Every day that goes by brings me closer to returning home, and I am looking forward to it. Family, friends, a familary environment, the uneviable con of once again being able to understand everyone around me (and will understand me too....). I know it sounds wierd but its kind of nice when most of the people around you don't understand you and you don't understand them, its like your always in your own little private bubble, even on a crowded subway. It definitely gives a new meaning to freedom of speech. I hear reverse culture shock is largely caused by being able to read everything and understand everything again, so I guess we will see how that goes. Despite that one and only negative, I can't wait to be back at home. And back in school.

This weeekend, sunday, is Teacher's Day in Korea. So, now all my kids are bringing me presents. There really nice, and very generous. I have more name brand products than ever before: gucci cologne, body shop bath goods, real herbal tea (from some brand I can't remember), chanelle lip stuff (my wife, not me), and I can't remember the rest, at least two more name brand items. Seeing it all in our bathroom kind of wierds me out sometimes, I have been, generally, anti-big name brand (at least selectively anti anyway, never seriously or with any integrity :) for so long that the words on teh packages might as well be in Korean.

Thats life right now. I haven't read anyone elses blog since the last tmie I posted on my own, so I guess I have some catching up to do :)