21.10.03

I realized that my post from sunday at 12:30ish was a part of my story. I feel like I should write more of it, who knows why. But I am not going to write it all from the same perspective, or with the same style. I kind of doubt I am going to put it together either. Maybe I am writing it just cause I can, who knows.

Another Part of My Story: Part 1.?
(prose this time)

I met a man, an amazing man. His name was Jesus. For a time I followed him. But I, as everyone does, turned away. I got lost, again. Jesus found me, again. I was so excited. Being away sucked. Nothing was the same without this man.

"I want to show you something, follow me." Jesus said. And so I did. I followed him up a steep rise, and I was so excited I ran. When we reached the top, we stood, overlooking a cliff. There was no where else to go but back the way we came or over the edge.
"You want me to jump Lord?"
"Yes, but..." And I cut Him off. "I can do that, I trust you, just watch."

Looking back I here an echo, the words another man once said haunt my ears, "I will follow you even unto death Lord. Everyone else may turn around but I never will."

"But, let me..." Jesus tried to speak to me, but I was ready. Thats right, I was ready.
"I can do it Lord, I can handle it."
"No you can't. You can't do it." (and the echo, I tell you, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me)
"Lord I already failed you once, not again."
And I jumped. Of course, I prayed quickly first, and quoted scriptire. Those who hope in the Lord will soar on wings like eagles.

For a time, I marvelled that I was flying. But the ground rushing up at me quickly that delusion to end.

CRASH

I lay at the bottom of those rocks for a time, shattered and broken. Eventually I was healed, stitched back together again. I walked once more.

Jesus was the one who healed me; I tried to follow him again. But I refused to go back to that cliff. Having done it once and seen the result, that was it.

It came up once and a while. But each time, I beat it back. You think I am going to try again? You think I will even let it come up? After what happened last time, forget it.

My resolve could not hold out. Once and a while we seemed to sneak up on the cliff, and I didn't know it was there until it was to late. Most of the time I ran, but I couldn't do it always. Over time, I was refined. My courage has slowly built back up.

Am I ready to approach that cliff once again? Maybe. I would like to think I have learned to be obedient, as well as to listen. Probably niether are true. Perhaps when I finally get back up there I will jump; maybe I will break at the bottom again, or maybe I will fly.

What is the Cliff? We each have them. I have one, You have one. You may have faced it once, long ago or recently. You may have tried, or you may not have. The cliff is a dream, a calling, a summons, a fire in your bones that you can't deny but that is so far beyond you you just can't respond either. Perhpas you have quenched your fire, closed your eyes to that cliff and out of long habit of avoiding it you can no longer see it at all. Maybe you have lain at the bottom of that cliff more than once. Perhaps this is just the idealistic writing of a young and naive man, who hasn't really been broken yet. As a wise friend of mine said to me, and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her here, "When you follow your dreams its scary as hell" (she clarified that though she doesn't usually use the word hell, she felt it warranted in this case.)

Is this just saying that you should follow your dream? No. I did that and ended up broken at the bottom of my cliff. It is more complex than the banal reassurance we usually get from people who just say "Go For It". I may not know all the difficulties, but I know some. And I say don't give up.

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