15.1.04

So often I run out of things I want to say; I just want to do. I want to write a book that somehow changes many people's lives, which is kind of in between, since its saying and doing. I want to help people to find Jesus, I want to become an expert martial artist and beat people up. I want to go back in time and get rich on the stock market, and I want to become a person who actively loves the poor and the outcast. I want to impress, and I want to be humble. My desires seem to be an insane mix of opposites; And my list of heroes is an incongruous mess of saints and comic book/movie characters...? I want to be St. Francis and Jet Li. I want to be Aragorn or Gandalf, and I want to be Abba Anthony (the first desert father). I want to save the world; to be Jesus and Superman.

Why? Kierkegaard claimed that purity of heart was "to will one thing". I realize that that is a lot harder than it sounds, at least it is for me. I am a fragmented mess, thanks to the multiple flashing and pushy inputs in my life. "The person who in truth wills only one thing can will only the Good, and the person who wills only one thing when he wills the good can will only the Good in truth. Let your heart, therefore, will in truth only one thing, for therein is the heart’s purity." He goes on to explain that the Good is the only thing that one can truly will, and at the same time only will one thing. If we will somethign else, that is not the Good, then we will find out, like I have, that we are a fragmented mess. Many things appear to be one thing, that if one desired one could will, but in the end Kierkegaard challenges us. Look at any man who is pursuing those things, and ask him if he wills only one thing, or ask him if he wills anything at all. It is true, the fragmentation so easily leads to apathy. It is so much easier to sit and think of the multitude of things which I wish for than to will any one of them and seek it. This, I agree, is at least partly because so many of the things I wish for cannot be willed as one thing. I wonder then, if one were to try and pursue those things, wholeheartedly and whole-willidly(?) would it inevitably lead to ruin because of the nature of those things to divide? Thats not really something I want to find out; but unfortunately it seems I am on that very road, or at least the road of apathy.

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