22.5.05

Dreams of Sacrifice, Sacrifice of Dreams

I often have trouble with bible verses like "Don't worry about tomorrow" or with the general idea that God will provide for us. Its not that I don't believe these things, I do, but its hard to really put my faith there, to act like it, to trust and to leave my life in that terribly uncertain place that follows. I suppose that in reality it isn't an uncertain place at all. But no matter what is said, by me or others, it is one of the most difficult areas of my life and Christian faith.

There's always something; I need to have a secure future and thus ignore my calling and take the wrong stuff for a semester of university. I know the experience has been turned to good in the end, I praise the Lord for that. But the worries don't go away, or they haven't yet.

I remember worrying so much about financial stuff before my marriage. My wife had trouble finding a job, and I definitely didn't have any money, already being incredibly blessed to graduate without debt. After hours of agonizing and worrying, much prayer, I allowed my future to rest in God's hands, and I ended up in Korea, where, truth be told, God has blessed us more than we could ever deserve or expect.

Now, tonight, I sit here, once again, worrying about my future. Slowly I am getting better at trusting, and leaving things in God's hands, or I like to think so, but it's still not easy. Now I am worrying about how I am going to do all the things I want to do in my life. I want to go through seminary and get two masters, be a pastor, a father of a large (by today's standards) family, I want to write, eventually get a PhD, become a professor, and who knows, I have dreamed of someday founding a seminary somewhere, or being part of a new seminary, maybe in S. America.

But these are not plans for me to make, I know this. I know, I should know, that the Lord has a fulfilling and wonderful life for me; full of wonder and joy and pain and hardship. These things too will have to be left in God's hands, to live or die as he chooses. But now is the crunch of the issue: these are not my finances, as hard as they were to give up, and this is not my security, as much as I hated to see that go. These are my dreams. I guess all the other things were little dreams too, and they have been returned to me much better than I gave them up. As usual, I know all the words, but for them to penetrate to my heart, to my life, I will probably need many nights of agonizing and worry, and much prayer.

And you know what? Other than deepening my faith in God, I think I am learning something else too. Maybe its supposed to be this way. I have often pretended it was easy; or pretended this process was already done. Like I said, I know the words, and don't they just slip so easily out of my lips? Like silken cloth sliding over my decietful tongue, ready to inadequately cover up the realities of my doubt with their sheer and misty seductiveness. Its not supposed to be easy... dealing with it like this makes it real. The hours given provide these dreams with substance, and perhaps through this they are becoming sacrifices half worthy of the glorious Creator of Heaven and Earth. Perhaps... one day soon...

2 comments:

Stefanie said...

Hey Andrew, I enjoyed this post. I can identify. Thanks!

PakG1 said...

And you are in my prayers, man. :)